The Heart of a Mother

I think for the last 9 months I have been operating in survival mode. Pushing through each day and trying not to succumb to the overwhelming fear, disappointment and sadness. I hate to be so doom and gloom but this is how I feel right now in this journey. It is extremely difficult to stay positive and optimistic. I wake up each day and walk through each day because I have to not because I want to. The hardest part is walking this journey with no joy for life anymore. I feel so weak, so defeated, so alone, so angry and the list goes on and on.

Have you ever walked in the valley of the shadow of death? It sucks! There are no other words to describe it really. It is just the honest truth. Jax's injury and his condition is truly this shadow that has been cast over our lives. It is always the pink elephant in the room so to speak. We have been pushed off the mountain or hillside into this deep, dark valley where I am afraid there is no end. It is a valley that I fear we will walk until we take our last breath.  I am struggling with how to find any joy or hope again while facing the possibility that Jax may never be healed.

I know that the joy of the Lord is our strength, and I have read all the scriptures about the kind of peace and comfort that only God can give in times of great trial. I have experienced His love and compassion before but this time it is different. I should be able to go to Him with all of my cares and worries yet I find myself  unable to find rest and comfort in Him.

If you want to be real about it all, I have questioned not necessarily the existence of God but rather His involvement in our lives. All that I believed and all that I experienced before now has been shattered. I really don't know what to believe anymore. The questions I have run deep. On a daily basis I ask myself why God? What is Your purpose in all of this? Is there even a purpose? Is it just part of life?

Today was a hard day for me. Every day brings its challenges some harder than others. I face heartache everyday when I watch my son not be able to do the things a normal 9 month old baby should be doing. It breaks my heart when I see young boys running, playing, laughing, hugging their moms, etc. The pain is so deep that I just don't know how to rise above it. I may never hear my son laugh, he may never utter the words I love you mommy, he may never be able to play with his sisters, he might not ever be aware of his existence.

I am in a very dark and lonely place and my soul has found no comfort. I know there are people who have far worse circumstances. I know that I should probably count it all joy. But this is where I am. This is the lot my family has been given. The fact of the matter is there is no peace, no comfort and no joy in watching your child suffer. You may think differently of me now that I have expressed some of my feelings. But honestly that is okay. I need to be honest. I need to vent. The heart of this mother is silently screaming.